Dear Colin Goh,
Do you have any positions vacant at your esteemed institution? I would gladly love to have the honour of sharing your ideas. Or even wash the cutleries.
I read your stories and tales with various degrees of excitement and comprehension. For me you are the only best satirical writer in this land. See I curry favour you like no tomorrow.
So because I’ve already do the curry, I want to keep some of your posts. The power of technology lah. If anyone complain, I sorry hor.
ANNALS OF THE DRAGON KING: Money for Nothing (and the Perks for Free)
Posted on Sunday, July 17, 2005
Topic: Diary of the Dragon Prince
Diary of the Dragon Prince Barry takes a charitable look at charities in his fictititious and completely imaginary diary.
10 July 2005 (Sunday)
Sunday night, and the whole familee was watching the Cancer Show on TV. It was organized by the Lampar & Kukucheow Foundation (“LKF”), a foundation set up to restore the testicles and penises of peasants.
Given the number of eunuchs in my court alone, that is a lot of cosmetic surgery that we are talking about.
The familee was busy making calls on their mobile phones to the LKF donation lines.
My bookie Ah Long tipped me that the odds of winning the top prize was better than that of the PeasantLand Sweep, 4D and Toto. No one in the familee knew how to calculate probabilities (not even me, with a First Class Honours in Mathematices), so we all took Ah Long’s word for it.
Being the smart emperor that I am, I know how to surround myself with intelligent and trusted eunuchs on whom I can rely for advice and wisdom.
The evening was interrupted by State Counsel Darthvader Singh. He arrived in all black: turban, shirt, pants and knee-high boots. He even carried a light saber. If looks could kill.
Darthvader tried to dispel the notion that lawyers have no sense of humour by cracking a joke. “Loong, I am your father.” That was lame. “And I am Yoda,” I replied.
Darthvader Singh came to consult me on the court case tomorrow. The LKF CEO Thambirajah Tharmadurai (or better known as T2 Durian) is suing the State�s Time for libel. Who do I want to win?
Darthvader Singh is using a tried-and-test tactic of the MIW: character assassination of the opponent. He is planning to spill the dirt on T2 Durian: a glass panelled shower, a pricey German toilet bowl and a gold plated tap, first-class travel, a $25,000 monthly salary, a bonus of 12 months, undisclosed directorships in companies, some of whom had business dealings with LKF. His road tax and car maintenance were also paid for by the company. T2 Durian also over-stated the number of patients LKF had. And despite reserves of $262 million, T2 Durian claimed that this can last LKF for only three years.
That is very good investigative work, I praised Darthvader Singh.
Darthvader Singh said he had a lot of help from his ex-intelligence officer friends at the State’s Times who have dossiers on every peasant. He assured me that there is no conflict of interest in having the defendant help prepare the case.
I took his word for it. After all, Darthvader is one of the intelligent and trusted enunchs whom the familee surrounds itself with.
But I pointed out to Darthvader Singh that what T2 Durian did was normal business practice among my MIWs. Such perks and privileges come with the position: extra fish-ball, extra-large discount on property, free air-fare to and from oversea hospital, offer of company directorships etc.
And don’t my mini-stars get free cars too? And T2 Durian’s $600K salary pales in comparison with my mini-stars who get paid a million dollars.
And as for exaggerating figures, who doesn’t tell a white lie or two? I should know: it is hard to be accurate about reserves, unemployment, economic growth, the number of
foreign talent in the country etc.
On the basis of such flimsy evidence, I told Darthvader Singh that it is not going to be easy for him to win the case. I decided that a draw would be the best outcome. The peasants get a sensational case to distract them from the daily grind of their lowly existence.
With elections coming, I also need a fall guy to showcase my whiter-than-white regime’s stand against corruption. Hee hee, if the peasants know better, they would think that there is a conspiracy.
Damn, I am so smart that I frighten myself sometimes.
Picked up the phone and instructed T2 Durian to end the wayang show
after two days.
Made a call next to Gandalf Tony and told him the bad news: I have decided to give Prata Nathan another term as President. However, I know of a vacancy coming up which could be suitable for you. It is only a five-figure salary but, with bonuses, you can still earn a million dollars. You get free perks like attending charity shows and meeting artistes and celebrities; free upgrades from business class to first-class when you fly; gold-plated taps etc. And certain medical benefits are free.
Damn, didn’t I say that I am so smart that it is frightening? But even the smart person that I am did not anticipate Gandalf Tony’s response: “You are kidding me.”
After London, Singapore Heightens Terror Alert Status
Posted on Sunday, July 10, 2005
Topic: Local News
by Nyonya Kway
In the wake of the barbaric London bombings, the Singapore Gahmen has issued a heightened terror alert for the island.
The Ministry of Defensiveness has activated reservists, beefed up security at key installations and issued a list of places that may be potential targets.
“The fact is,” said MINDEF spokesman BG Chin Kia See. “Just like London, Singapore is a member of the Coalition of the Boh Pia”, I mean, Willing. So that makes us a target for extremists too. We need for every Singaporean to keep their own lookout, especially when our defence forces are stretched to their limit doing important duties for the nation like setting up scaffolding for the NDP.”
MINDEF has issued a list of places that may be potential targets, including: Jurong Island, Raffles Place, Shenton Way, Orchard Road, in fact, all shopping centres, all hawker centres, supermarkets, normal markets, anywhere with ang mors in them, schools, bus stops, video libraries, community centres, public swimming pools, country clubs, parks, public toilets, MRT stations, MRT trains, anything to do with public transport, that solid chicken rice place near your house, your relatives’ houses, even those who stay in Ipoh, petrol stations, car washes, movie theaters, coffee shops, that bloody noisy Yorkie terrier who lives next door, BreadTalk branches, 7-11s, basically anywhere that you might possibly be going.
“OK, lah,” admitted BG Chin. “I know that the inability of the world’s top intelligence agencies to predict the London bombings makes it unrealistic for our own small-small homeland security team to accurately predict where these seow lang might strike next. But if you think that that’s going to stop us from diverting attention from high consumer prices, soaring Ministerial salaries, the growing income gap, state control of the media and diminution of civil liberties, then you have no idea how politics works.”
MINDEF has also asked Singaporeans not to let fear and panic rule their lives. Said BG Chin, “We must look at even terrible situations as great opportunities. So the Gahmen feels, for instance, that a period when people are scared, uneasy and afraid of risks, might actually be a really good time for an election.”
…which by the way may be held in the first quarter of next year. ayecarumba.