107778643225440693

Indulgent self-importance is why I demand you read my pretentious article about this pretentious pony parade. It is a ceremony fueled by the id. And I love the id; it is what keeps blood pumping through my veins. You are also driven by the id; otherwise, you wouldn’t be reading this article, nor would you be interested in the Oscars.

Need proof? Do you know Ben and J.Lo’s current status? Do you know whether Britney has ever been married in Vegas? Have you seen Janet’s breast? Have you browsed the internet for pictures of Janet’s breast? Did you happen to see Janet’s breast over and over on your TiVo? Is Janet’s breast currently on your screen saver?

So stop fooling yourself, tell your ego and superego to shut up, and indulge in my totally meaningless Fifth Annual Oscar predictions. As usual, I’ll tell you who WILL win, and who SHOULD win. And as a new addition this year, I’ll offer choices on who was gloriously omitted and who was ingloriously snubbed.

BEST PICTURE:
SHOULD WIN: The Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King
WILL WIN: The Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King
GLORIOUSLY OMITTED: Cold Mountain
INGLORIOUSLY SNUBBED: 21 Grams

BEST ACTOR:
SHOULD WIN: Sean Penn (Mystic River)
WILL WIN: Sean Penn (Mystic River)
GLORIOUSLY OMITTED: Tom Cruise (The Last Samurai)
INGLORIOUSLY SNUBBED: Paul Giamatti (American Splendor)

BEST ACTRESS:
SHOULD WIN: Charlize Theron (Monster)
WILL WIN: Charlize Theron (Monster)
GLORIOUSLY OMITTED: Nicole Kidman (Cold Mountain)
INGLORIOUSLY SNUBBED: Scarlett Johansson’s pink panties (!) (Lost In Translation)

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR:
SHOULD WIN: Tim Robbins (Mystic River)
WILL WIN: Tim Robbins (Mystic River)
GLORIOUSLY OMITTED: William H. Macy (Seabiscuit)
INGLORIOUSLY SNUBBED: Paul Bettany (Master And Commander); Don Cheadle (Manic); Chris Cooper (Seabiscuit)

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS:
SHOULD WIN: Patricia Clarkson (Pieces Of April)
WILL WIN: Renee Zellweger (Cold Mountain)
GLORIOUSLY OMITTED: Maria Bello (The Cooler)
INGLORIOUSLY SNUBBED: Hope Davis (American Splendor)

BEST DIRECTOR:
SHOULD WIN: Peter Jackson (The Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King)
WILL WIN: Peter Jackson (The Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King)
GLORIOUSLY OMITTED: Anthony Mighella (Cold Mountain)
INGLORIOUSLY SNUBBED: Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu (21 Grams)

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY:
SHOULD WIN: Lost In Translation
WILL WIN: Lost In Translation
GLORIOUSLY OMITTED: Love Actually
INGLORIOUSLY SNUBBED: 21 Grams

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY:
SHOULD WIN: Mystic River
WILL WIN: The Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King
GLORIOUSLY OMITTED: Cold Mountain
INGLORIOUSLY SNUBBED: Master And Commander; Girl With A Pearl Earring

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s