lost in expectations of the expected

i watched lost in translation again today. it somehow dawned upon me that i am trapped in the same situation as what charlotte is entangled in too.

i keep asking to myself. who am i? or what am i? what do i really want? should i be following in what my close friends are doing too?

i look around and i see people believing in themselves on what they want to do. honestly i envy these people. and sometimes deep inside i would love to ask them how do they know what they want. i have friends who follows other friends in pursuing a better quality of life. and they’ve pestered me why am i not doing the same as they are. i have to admit what they are encouraging me is good for the so call future. but i just can’t lie to myself that i should just jump into their bandwagon and make belief that i will be satisfied. and because of this i’m being looked at as someone who does not have any ambition, aspiration or whatever that is deemed as eligible-futurist-individual.

i am trying to find something that will make me come out of the horizon knowingly it’ll make me feel something. and i stress something, not someone. but there is one fucking parasite that is stopping me to venture on that thought. and it is call time.

and thus, a vicious cycle envelopes me. im stuck in between of pursuing who i am, by racing against time. i have images of me as an old man, living in isolation and prying at void decks listening to old indie classics while watching other people be contented.

now that’s scary.

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